Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Kendrick Lamar Might Not Be A Tool And His Music Changed My Life

From an alternate universe in which rappers openly embrace poetry and art--as opposed to applying the  concept of buffoonery in rhyming ass with stacks--Kendrick Lamar ascended, or rather descended to our earth with an aim to purify mainstream hip-hop music down to its artistic essence. Kendrick Lamar is the first rapper, in my opinion since Mr. Nasir Jones, to revolutionize the forefront of the "game" that is mainstream hip-hop, quickly, by introducing his lyrical prowess and artistic concepts to an otherwise depleted music scene, and through re-hydrating the musical aspect of modern hip-hop culture by introducing poetic elements and sixth-sense sentiments in his songs.

Go ahead, listen to K-Dot's shit (because that's what cool people call him because we're cool, and because we can't enunciate long words like Kendrunk Lemur). I reiterate, listen to a few of this man's songs...Wikipedia his shit, YouTube his shit, download his songs onto your faggoty-ass Ipad and listen to his shit while you're taking a shit... 

Yes...That is what I do. I make my trips to the restroom worthwhile, because although taking a dump is a relaxing and an awakening experience, itself is not enough for me to meditate the wonders of life... I need some poetic justice while I'm letting the shit drop. So, what I do, is I load up my iPod, pull down my pants, and begin the spiritual process. Beautiful music like Lamar's makes me skip across the many dimensions of my mind and lets me climb over the inner walls enclosing my spiritual freedom. What I'm trying to say is that listening to Kendrick Lamar's music while taking a larger-than-life dump has changed my life.

Ghandi who. // via

Because during the special time I'm releasing a monstrous poop, I need to gain new wisdom that will help uplift my soul. As I drop the poop in the hole, the amazing experience of it is highlighted, and the grotesque nature of such a natural occurrence disappears and the experience becomes one with my soul...

The first step to enlightenment. // via

That, my friends, is what Kendrick Lamar's music does to me..

It makes my dumps a little less smelly. A lot more spiritual. A heckuva lot more artistic.

I take dumps on paper too. via Source

 I hope by now you've convinced yourself to listen to K-Christ's music and rejuvenated yourself in a overdose of Kendrick Lamar musical therapy; and as you and your hipster roommate jizz your underwear in awe of this short fucker's style, please swag yourself out to this yolo shit right here...and lemme tell ya buddy, hip-hop in this day and age isn't supposed to be this good...


If you want something that is really going to make your panties flip inside out, check this stupid (literally) shit out, as apparently, the less sense a song makes, the wetter your brief's linings get. Here's one of Lamar's worst songs...

AND...THE RECIPE TO A WACK ASS FUCKING SONG: MAKE THE MAIN INGREDIENT SMOKING WEED. THANK YOU...wiz khalifa...You ruined hip hop. You piece of shit stoner whore.  God, I get too lazy to turn off the caps lock sometimes...

In conclusion, as the writer of this piece, I must tell you that my semen contains chemicals that can poison your inners. That, precisely, is the reason I disregard blowjobs. Now turn around, bitches. And don't kill my vibe.

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